Quotes & Humorous Definitions

There's no such thing as a natural-born pilot. . . .
Chuck Yeager
.
There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old bold pilots. . . .
W. W. Windstaff
.
Motor cut. Forced landing. Hit cow. Cow died. Scared me.. . .
Dean Smith, in telegraph to his chief
.
Chicks dig us, and guys think we're cool.. . .
Tom Krizek, Airline Captain
.
A airplane might disappoint any pilot, but it'll never surprise a good one. . . .
Len Morgan
.
There are two kinds of airplanes, those you fly and those that fly you. . . .
Ernest K. Gann
.
There's a big difference between a pilot and an aviator. One is a technician; the other is an artist. . . .
E. B. Jeppesen
.
Don't ever let an airplane take you someplace where your brain hasn't arrived at least a couple of minutes earlier. . . .
Andy Anderson
.
The airplane stays up because it doesn't have the time to fall. . . .
Orville Wright
.
Heard while flying in Holland.
Tower talking to a female helicopter pilot.
Tower: "What's your altitude?"
Pilot: "1000 feet"
Tower: "What's your heading?"
Pilot: "175"
Tower: "What's your speed?"
Pilot: "150 knots"
Tower: "What's your bra size?"
Pilot: "36B........AAAHHHHH SHHIIIITTTTT"
.
As soon as we left the ground, I knew, I myself had to fly! . . .
Amelia Earhart
.
What is that mountain goat doing way up here in the clouds? . . .
Gary Larson, Farside
.
Though it was a place where I could quickly die, the cockpit was a place where I truly lived. . . . Brian Shul
.
Never fly the 'A' model of anything. . . .
Ed Thompson
.
I've never seen an airplane that can read the type ratings on your pilot's license. . . .
Chuck Boedecker
.
The pilot who teaches himself has a fool for a student. . . .
Robert Livingston
.
Great pilots are made, not born. A man may possess good eyesight, sensitive hands, and perfect coordination, but the end result is only fashioned by steady coaching, much practice, and experience . . .
Air Vice-Marshal J.E.'Johnnie' Johnson, RAF
.
If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible. . . .
Bob Hoover
.
A pilot lives in a world of perfection, or not at all. . . .
Richard S. Drury
.
The only time an aircraft has too much fuel onboard is when it is on fire. . . .
Sir Charles Kingsford Smith
.
The Boeing 747 is so big that it has been said that it does not fly; the earth merely drops out from under it. . . .
Capt. Ned Wilson, Pan Am
.
Real confidence in the air is bred only by mistakes made and recovered from at a safe altitude, in a safe ship, and seated on a good parachute. . . .
Rodney H. Jackson
.
You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3. . . .
Paul F. Crickmore, Lockheed SR-71
.
Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly. . . .
Batman costume warning label
.
I hope you either take up parachute jumping or stay out of single motored airplanes at night. . . . Charles Lindbergh to Wiley Post, 1931
.
Actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots,
and the replies from the maintenance crews.
.
Problem: Target Radar hums
Solution: Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics
.
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
.
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
.
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
.
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
.
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
.
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode."
.
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
.
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
.
Problem: Aircraft handles funny
Solution: Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious.
.
180-Degree Turn - A sometimes difficult maneuver to perform; the degree of difficulty is usually determined by the size of the pilot's ego.
.
A & P Rating - Enables you to fly grocery supplies.
Aileron - A hinged control surface on the wing that scares the hell out of airline passengers when it moves.
Airfoil - 1. Sword used for dueling in flight. Often used to settle disputes between crew members and passengers. 2. What pilots wrap their sandwiches in.
Airplane - The infernal machine invented by two bicycle mechanics from Dayton, Ohio and perfected on the sands of the Outer Banks of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Precursor of the Frisbee.
Airspeed - 1. The speed of an airplane through the air. 2.True airspeed plus 20% when talking with other pilots. Deduct 25% when listening to a Navy aviator. 3. Measured in furlongs-per-fortnight in student aircraft.
Airstrip - In-flight performance by exotic female flight attendant.
Air Traffic Control Center - A drafty, ill-kept, barn-like structure in which people congregate for dubious reasons.
Alternate Airport - The airport that no aircraft has sufficient fuel to proceed to if necessary. Angle of Attack - Pick-up lines that pilots use.
Arctic Frost - Attitude shown by uncooperative stewardess (also see "Horizontally Opposed"). Arresting Gear - Police equipment used for keeping order at airport parties.
Autopilot - A would-be airplane pilot who flunked his check ride.
.
Bail Out - Dipping the water out of the cabin after a heavy rainstorm.. Barrel Roll - Unloading the beer for a hangar party.
.
Captain - 1. Any airline pilot wearing four stripes on his sleeve; often found strolling down Lovers' Lane holding his own hand. 2. Decorative dummy often found adorning the bridge of a ship.
Carburetor Ice - Phrase used when reporting a forced landing caused by running out of fuel. Carburetor Icing - 1. Usually vanilla. 2. A phenomenon that happens to pilots at exactly the same time they run out of gas.
Certificated Aircraft - One that has all hazardous features camouflaged.
Cessna 310 - More than the sum of two Cessna 150's.
Chart - 1. Large piece of paper, useful for protecting cockpit surfaces from food and beverage stains. 2. An aeronautical map that provides interesting patterns for the manufacturers of children's curtains.
Chock - 1. Sudden and usually unpleasant surprise suffered by Mexican pilots. 2. Pieces of wood the lineboy slips in front of the wheels while the pilot isn't looking.
Cockpit - 1. A confined space in which two chickens fight each other, especially when they can't find the airport in a rainstorm. 2. Area in which the pilot sits while attempting to figure out where he is.
Collision - Unplanned contact between one aircraft and another. As a rule, collisions that result in the creation of several smaller and less airworthy aircraft from the original two are thought to be the most serious.
Course - Popular alternate landing field marked by fairways and greens. Curiously, pilots who land here are said to be "off-course."
Crab - 1. A technique used by pilots to compensate for crosswinds, usually without success. 2. Pilot who has just ground-looped after trying unsuccessfully to use this technique. 3. Pilot who has been unsuccessful in finding a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
Crash - To bed down for the night. What every pilot hopes to do once he has found a suitable landing site (also see "Suitable Landing Site").
.
Dead Reckoning - You reckon correctly, or you're dead.
De-icer - De person, dat puts, de ice, on de wings.
Dive - Pilots' lounge or airport cafe.
Drag Chute - Emergency escape slide near copilot's window. Opens automatically if eccentric male captain shows up in women's clothes.
.
Engine Failure - A condition that occurs when all fuel tanks become filled with air. Exceptional Flying Ability - Has equal number of takeoffs and landings.
.
FAA - Fear And Alarm
Final Approach - 1. Last pass a pilot makes at the opposite sex before giving up. 2. Many a seasoned pilot's last landing. 3. Many a student pilot's first landing.
Flashlight - Tubular metal container kept in flight bag for storing dead batteries.
Flight Instructor - Individual of dubious reputation, paid vast sums of money to impart knowledge of questionable value and cast serious doubt on the coordination, intelligence, and ancestry of student pilots.
Flight Plan - Scheme to get away from home to go flying.
.
Glide Distance - Half the distance from an airplane to the nearest emergency landing field.
Glider - Formerly "airplane," prior to running out of fuel.
Grass Strip - Often performed by exotic female flight attendants while enroute to Hawaii.
Gross Weight - 1. A 350-pound pilot (also see "Split S"). 2. Maximum permissible takeoff weight plus two suitcases, 10 cans of oil, four sleeping bags, four rifles, eight cases of beer, and the groceries.
.
Hangar - Home for anything that flies, mostly birds.
Heated Air Mass - Usually found near hangar, flight lounge, airport cafe, or attractive, non-flying members of the opposite sex.
Horizontally Opposed - NO!! (Also see "Arctic Frost")
Hydroplane - An airplane designed to land on a wet, 20,000-foot-long runway.
.
Induced Drag - When a male copilot is persuaded by a kinky female flight attendant to put on women's clothes against his will.
.
Jet-assisted Takeoff - 1. A rapid-takeoff procedure used by a general aviation pilot who suddenly finds himself taking off on a runway directly in front of a departing 747. 2. Takeoff by pilot who ordered enchiladas for lunch at the airport coffee shop.Junkers 52 - A collection of elderly airplanes that even the FAA can't make airworthy.
.
Kilometer - A unit of measurement used on charts to further confuse pilots who already have trouble with knots
.
Lazy 8 - 1. Well-known fly-in resort ranch. 2. The airport operator, his four mechanics, and three lineboys. Log - A small rectangular notebook used by pilots to record lies.
.
Magneto - 1. Spanish for, "What a cool-looking magnet!" 2. Not-very-famous Italian vaudeville magician, "The Great Magneto."
Mode - Term used by pilots in the Lafayette Escadrille during WWI to describe what they had to land in during rainy weather.
.
National Airport - Inordinately congested airport in Washington, D.C. whose Potomac River approach was used by Korean War pilots practicing to bomb the bridges at Toko-Ri.
Navigation - The process by which a pilot finds his way from point A to point B while actually trying to get to point C.
.
Occupied - An airline term for lavatory.
Oshkosh - A town in Wisconsin that is the site of the annual Experimental Aircraft Association fly-in. It is believed to have been named after the sound that most experimental aircraft engines make.
.
Parasitic Drag - A pilot who bums a ride back and complains about the service.
Pilot - A poor, misguided soul who talks about women when he's flying and flying when he's with a woman.
Pitch - The story you give your wife about needing an airplane to use in your business.
Pitot Tube - On long flights, something into which the pilot can pitot.
Prop Wash - 1. Cleaning agent used by student pilots. 2. Pilots' equivalent of "hogwash."
Pylon - All aboard!
.
Radar - An extremely realistic type of video game, often found at airports. Players try to send small game-pieces, called "blips," from one side of the screen to the other without colliding with each other. Player with the fewest collisions wins.
Range - Usually about 30 miles beyond the point where all fuel tanks fill with air.
Roger - The most popular name in radio.
Runway - 1. Place where exotic flight attendant starts her act (also see "Airstrip"). 2. Ramp extending from the stage into the audience area at all good burlesque houses in Vegas.
.
S-Turn - Course flown by student pilot from point A to point B.
Safety Belt - Drink taken by instructor before flying with difficult student.
Short-field Takeoff - A takeoff from any field less than 10,000 feet long.
Skin Drag - Costume party in San Francisco.Slip - Apparel worn by some pilots.
Split S - What happens to the pants of overweight pilots (also see "Gross Weight").
Stall - Technique used to explain to the bank why your car payment is late because you spent the money on flying.
Stewardess - A pretty gal who asks you what you want, then straps you in so you can't get it. Suitable Landing Site - An attractive member of the opposite sex; suitability may sometimes be affected by arctic frost (also see "Arctic Frost").
.
Tactics - What the instrument panel clock sounds like when it needs fixing.
Taildragger - 1. An old pilot after a long flight. 2. A young pilot who over-rotates a tricycle gear aircraft on takeoff or landing.
Tailwind - Results from eating beans in the airport coffee shop; often causes oxygen deficiency in the immediate vicinity.
Trim Tab - 1. A device that can fly an airplane better than the pilot. 2. Popular diet beverage for fat pilots (also see "Gross Weight"). 3. A soft drink popular among female pilots who like to wear skin-tight red jumpsuits.
.
Wilco - Roger's brother, the nerd.
Windsock - Well-perforated item of clothing worn inside the shoe by underpaid copilot who can't afford a replacement or a darning needle.
Wingstrut - Peculiar, ritualistic walk performed by student pilots upon getting out of low-winged trainers following first flight performed without instructor yelling at them. Usually results in instructor yelling at them.